Divorce – How to Protect Your Child During These Hard Times

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Half of all marriages in the United States end up in divorce. Usually, kids are involved. But no matter how ugly it is, the only ones directly involved in a divorce case should be the spouses -- never the children.

If you are going through a divorce, it is best to not just focus on your pain and anger, but to create a protective shield around the children to mitigate the damaging effects on them.

Deflect the energy you use being angry towards keeping the kids protected from the pain and confusion.. This does not only guarantee an easier time for all of you but will prove therapeutic, too. And when this is all over, you and the kids emerge stronger and closer to one another.

No matter what the spouses feel during a divorce, kids are invariably confused and hurt. They usually see divorce as a threat to their security. Unfortunately, they are also helpless about the whole thing.

Men and women have differing ways to cope with pain. Accordingly, mothers and fathers also handle divorce differently. But no matter, as long as both will focus and work together on protecting the kids, they can be assured of a less painful experience for the entire family. Here are some ways by which you can protect your children from the negative effects of divorce. The acronym C-R-A-D-L-E was used to make these easier to keep in mind.

C-R-A-D-L-E and Divorce

Communicate with the children. Do not wait for them to hear about it from other people than you and your spouse. Sit down together with them and explain the situation as simply as possible. Sometimes, they will not take this very well. If they react in anger, do not react in like manner. Instead, affirm their right to feel bad about it. Anyway, divorce is never a happy thing. Assure them that they can tell both of you anything they feel about your decision to divorce.

Reassure them that no matter what happens, you still love them, and that the divorce is not their fault at all. Reassurance is not just verbal. It is a continuing process of affirmation, both in words and deeds. Do not stop making them feel important in your life.

Avoid bad-mouthing each other to the children. They are not part of the conjugal assets you need to divide between your ex and yourself. They should not be put in-between and made to feel that they have to choose between their parents.

Deliberately act civil towards each other in their presence. It’s the least thing that you can do for them at this time. Remember that as parents, you are modeling certain behaviors that they will carry for the rest of their lives. Be positive at all times, even in the face of failed marriage.

Lead them towards the end of the tunnel, so to speak. Lead the way in the healing process. This is never easy. But they are looking to you as their parents to show them how to handle life’s crises. In moments of weakness, let them see a survivor in you. You can never tell how they can use the coping mechanisms you employ when it is their time to face problems, too.

Envelope them with a sense of security. Kids are highly sensitive and discerning. Tension is usually high shortly before, during and right after a divorce, and they can sense this. They feel threatened, especially amidst all the changes happening in the family. Make them feel secure by creating for them a routine not very different from what they used to have before the divorce. Encourage them not to stop doing their usual activities. Discuss with your spouse how to be with them during these activities, either separately or together.

If you and your spouse can do these things, the kids will surely be shielded from irreparable damage and you will retain their respect. Any emotional and psychological damage divorce causes will be significantly diminished if they come out of it still holding both parents in high esteem. They will see that neither parent is “bad”. They can rest assured that Mom and Dad will always be there for them.