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How To Focus On The 'Good Stuff' While Going Through A Divorce
When we decide
to file for divorce, we are making a choice between two options – an unhappy
marriage or freedom from it.
They say that life is what we make it.
Expressed differently, life is a series of decisions we make. How true. We
determine our responses to whatever life throws at us, and our decisions
definitely decide the outcome. Divorce is no exception.
While it is ideal to stay married and keep
the family intact, it is unwise to continue doing so if it will bring more grief
and pain to everyone concerned. Imagine having to stay with a perceived “enemy”
under one roof for the rest of your life!
It is acknowledged that divorce is painful
and never easy. To some, it is like the end of their life. Everyone who
experienced or is going through divorce, has all the right to feel that way,
initially. Everyone has to respect that mourning period.
But even while in mourning, resolve to get
out of it as soon as you can. Nobody is saying it’s easy. But it’s not
impossible as well. In time, you can do it.
Think About The Good Times
After The Divorce
Look at the entire picture. Your whole
marriage is not just the divorce. There were good times, too. You are focusing
on a small dot of a beautiful canvass called your marriage and your life. If you
will step back a little and enlarge your visual zone, you will find that your
marriage started out with beautiful things.
Instead of being consumed by bitterness and
pain, thank your spouse for the time you spent together, the dreams you had,
things you learned, the character building brought about by living together and
the person you have become. If you have kids, thank him or her for them. They
are gifts of profound value from your spouse.
Aside from being grateful, be forgiving.
Forgiveness is a gift you give not only to your spouse but to yourself, too.
When you forgive, you release yourself from the shackles of doom. You will find
reason to hope for better things to come when you put the pain and hurts of the
past behind and seal them forever with forgiveness. If you forgive, they will
never come back to haunt you again. And yes, forgiveness is also one of those
decisions you have to make.
If you have been hurt so deeply, you must
have loved so deeply as well. Be grateful that you had such a capacity to
welcome another individual into your heart and allow yourself to be that
vulnerable. Loving is one of those “gambles” in life. No one can ever tell for
sure how well it will turn out. But more than your failure to keep the love
burning, focus on the strength and courage it took for you to give it a chance.
Be thankful for that.
What You Can Do After A Divorce
For practical things to do, it will help you
a lot if you can keep a journal of your journey to freedom. When we express
ourselves, we are like breathing out toxins from our system and inhaling fresh
air. Writing a journal is one way of expressing our thoughts in our own way, at
our own pace. A journal marks the little progress we make everyday, and the
slips as well. When the healing process is finally over, you can get back to
your journal and you can’t help but be amazed at how low you have come from and
how you strong you have become.
It is also therapeutic to make a list of some
things you need to think over in your mind. Making a list is a little exercise,
some sort of a personal “workshop” that aids you to put things together or in
order. Sometimes, the mind is just too crowded to sort. But when you start to
put down everything in writing and organize them in lists, it is easier to focus
at each concern. Make a list of the following:
-
Things to be grateful to
your ex for – if you try hard enough, there are things to put on your list
-
Things that you can now do
which you were not able to when you were married
-
Prospects and opportunities
you can look forward to
-
Fears and “what ifs” now
that you are divorced. Across each item, write the opposite (i.e., what if my
son will grow up being angry at me for the break up of the family? Across this
item, write something like, “my son will be more grateful to me because I did
not choose to trap him in our unhappy home.” Choose which between the negative
and the positive things you want to happen and start working hard at it
This effort to make a choice to look at the
good things about your divorce is not about anyone else but you – your survival,
your own sanity and prospects for better days to come. Everything happens for a
reason, that is for sure. That is why somebody invented the phrase “blessings in
disguise.”
It is all a matter of attitude, and again,
making a choice.
More articles and tips
about dealing with a divorce can be found at the
Divorce Records page of
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